Memory Lane With Old Bandmates

Rhett 0:00

So I can hear a certain song . I can't even really tell you what those lyrics are , but I can tell you the moments in my life as a child .

Justin 0:06

There's a bit of unlocking you can do .

Rhett 0:08

Tap back into some of that and say Holy Spirit , examine me , there's always something to be learned from every moment with every person , and not every moment and every person leads to your next best friend .

Justin 0:19

And you wonder why you death scroll for hours ? Because it's just never enough . Wonder why you death scroll for hours , because it's just never enough Only true connection brings contentedness .

Rhett 0:40

Hey everybody , welcome back to another episode of Armchair Authentic , a podcast with your friends Rhett and Justin , trying to help you fulfill your God assignments by having real conversations about real life with real people . Can't wait to jump into today's content , but before we do , I always want to say thank you to every one of you who have taken the time to rate review the podcast on all your favorite streaming platforms and to those who have reached out via email to us . It is so good to hear from you . We can't wait to respond on some future episodes , as we're creating content . In fact , if you want to be a part of helping us create content with your questions , with your thoughts , continue to email us at info at armchairauthenticcom , but until then , also follow us on social media , please . We want to engage with you on social . On Instagram and Facebook , you can follow us at Armchair Authentic , or on X at Armchair Off Pod . That's Armchair Off Pod . Now on to the content . Enjoy the episode everybody .

Rhett 1:50

So , justin , we had a good time a couple weeks ago . I meant to tell you this story , but my uh son and I were invited to one of his buddy's birthday party . It was his 15th birthday party . We went airsoft . Yeah , have you ever been ? Oh , yeah , you ever done airsoft ?

Justin 2:00

I have not , but my son did a birthday party okay , well , I've never done paintball .

Rhett 2:04

my son has done paintball and he is always talking about like , how , like it broke his skin and he just wasn't dressed appropriately for it and it hurt , and so he was very apprehensive before going and I was like , well , I'm gonna go out there with you . And it's crazy , as my his buddy's dad sent me a text be sure to wear long sleeves and come prepared , and all that kind of stuff . I'm like awesome , I roll up in there . I'm all in black , I'm wearing the hoodie with the shirt and my son's got a jacket on . We're all in black and I'm there and all the parents are just in normal clothes . I'm like , look at him . I'm like dude , bro , by the way , he listens to every episode . He considers himself a fan . So I'll call them out john . Seriously , bro , like you gonna do that to me , like what ? I like dude , look at your text . You told me to be ready . Like , oh , I wasn't , that was just for max . I was like I'm already ready . I'm out there like all y'all gonna get joined in on the fun . Let's go . Like I'm trying to drag them into it and it's on the side of a mountain , and so I'm like I'm not . I mean , you know , I've got that goal 25 by 25 . And , by the way , good news , I have lost six pounds . Let's go . Oh , you're hitting it , man . So this , yeah , I lost six pounds because I played airsoft two weeks ago . So , anyway , we play airsoft . It's good , it's a lot of fun , man , it doesn't hurt at all and of course , we were dressed for it , so , but it was so much fun , I played for an hour .

Rhett 3:19

They had an all day pass , and so when I came back in , I'm sitting with adults . So as I'm sitting there , I'm hanging out , there's a guy across the way we're talking , old man talk . And he's talking about he's about to have knee surgery . And I'm like , man , I want to pray for you , talk to me about that , because I've got some arthritis in my knee , you know , trying to like Lord Jesus , I have to get the steroid shot just to get the pain out every once in a while . And so I'm old man talk , you know it's like , hey , you know , getting older joints are I'm having a knee replacement .

Rhett 3:46

So we're talking and by the end of the conversation , um , I'm like , hey , I want to go ahead and apologize up front . Man , I'm , I'm gonna , I'm gonna forget your name , right and ? And because I'm just not good with that . He's like , oh man , me neither , but your name's gonna be easy to remember . And I said why is that ?

Rhett 4:00

And he said , well , I knew aett back in the day . And I said how far back in the day . He said , oh man , it was like in the nineties . And I said , okay , he said he was in a Christian band and I said , huh . I said what was the name of the Christian band ? He said oh , he said you probably won't know him , you know . And I say he said it was his image band . His name was Rhett . And I said , bro , you're talking to him . And he went .

Rhett 4:26

He started to call . I'm not going to call his name . He started to call you know , I'll make up a name Sarah , sarah , oh , my God . He stopped the conversation Like I'm 46 years old . And before he even did that , I was like I know he looked at me and kind of had to turn his head a little bit . Is that you at me ? And kind of had to turn his head a little bit . And I'm like is that you ? It's kind of like Peter Pan . It's you , peter . You know that moment where Robin Williams is an old man showing up as a kid and they're like punching his face and everything . Now , he didn't cross that line or that boundary , but he basically looked sideways and kind of like I can see through the fact that you got gray hair and you're older and you know you're in your 40s right and you got a t-shirt on .

Rhett 5:06

I can see past the sequins don't talk about the sequin moment , anyway . I just thought it was so funny because at that point he was like , oh my gosh . Yeah , I was like , yeah , I know I'm probably 100 more pounds and gray hair and you know 46 , but he was like , no , no man , I see you , you're in there , I see it , and he's calling out to his wife .

Justin 5:25

Yeah .

Rhett 5:28

So he says , sarah , come here , come here , come here . And so and she comes over and he's like this is Rhett . Oh my God , remember his image band . And then she's like , oh my God , I still have your t-shirt , I still have the CD . I'm going to have to go . And they're like , oh my God , it was like remember new covenant and all the days of the church . Yeah , he was like we used to play football together in between . And he's like , and I'm like , wow , you know . And then the memory banks coming back , we're anyway . We're having a time where I kind of connect in . It's so funny . She's like I have the t-shirt , my son's over there looking like . He's like so you really were in a band .

Rhett 6:03

I was like I'm not making it up , man , you know I'm not telling the story to like kudos to us , but it was just kind of like it wasn't encouraging to know that , like the Lord used us to help make a difference and to have a lot of fun and to create moments of creativity and opportunities in the presence of the Lord that are still living on in people's lives today . You can't underestimate , if , if you will , the value of what you're doing in the moments that you have and to know that they're still holding on to a t-shirt you know , probably buried somewhere deep , you know and a CD , the fact that they're like , oh yeah , we still get the t-shirt . I remember that in those days and the fun and you know , and then started like it was Justin and you and who are the others ? Because it was only you and I that they could remember . I said , well , you know , it was funny , like yesterday I literally sent a picture to Justin of our band days .

Rhett 6:47

And I said I just happened to have this on my phone I promise I'm not . And I said and so this was us . And I showed him like , oh my God , that's it . And they say , see , it's like it . Just it took them back to a moment . And so my buddy , the father of the son who is throwing the birthday party they're from Colorado , they lived everywhere , so we're just kind of building a relationship he's like oh so you're not making it up , okay , this is real . And so he looked at the picture and and he , you know , gave me a hard time over it , but I was like , you know , I was cool at one

Aspiring Musicians, Not Magicians

Rhett 7:17

time .

Justin 7:17

A company that my wife worked for . She had told she would tell them like , hey , you know what does your husband do ? And she was like he's a musician and I guess she said it really quick . Maybe she had an accent saying it , I'm not sure . When I would actually come over there and there was like a company , like a party or something like that , I would get in the group and talk and it was funny there were a few of them saying so , show us a trick .

Justin 7:39

And I didn't quite get what they were saying and I was like , um , like what they're like , you know , just you know , can you make like a coin disappear ? I mean just random conversation , and I'm like , um , I'm so lost , I'm looking at Summer that they want me to perform for them and I'm so I don't understand what's going on and I was finally like uh , I really don't know any tricks , I'll try . And they looked at Summer and they said you said he's a magician .

Rhett 8:08

Oh my gosh .

Justin 8:11

And she said no , a musician .

Rhett 8:15

Oh man , Talk about a mess up on words . Now , that is a humbling moment .

Justin 8:19

Oh man , it was like Buddy the Elf when he comes to see his dad . He's like aren't you going to sing me a song or something ? Oh yeah , a song , I'm here , with my dad and we never met . But they want me to do a trick . That's what it felt like .

Rhett 8:36

They're probably thinking , oh , this is part of the trick . It's like , wow , okay , this guy's got an act going on as if he's not a magician , it's his bit . He's like , oh , okay , yeah , Like all of a sudden he's going to make something appear out of nothing , you know , and make us think , ah , you got me Okay , and you really weren't .

Justin 8:52

No never , never a magician . So yeah , that was a wild thing to be said that I'm a magician , so did you pull out a ? Guitar , your little mini uh ukulele out of your back pocket ?

Rhett 9:04

yes , well , like just , I've got a little mini casio keyboard right here .

Justin 9:08

I think I I invited him to a concert .

Rhett 9:10

Y'all , come on out and hear us so , speaking of the musician side of things and I mentioned casio keyboard , it threw a moment in my mind for going back to twingacy's departments and where I lived and you lived and we were building , you know , that friendship .

Rhett 9:24

I had this old lame little keyboard lame it was like that you know those little keyboards , but they're I don't know , they're six , maybe two feet long , so small they're like just kid play toys . They got buttons that you can hit , they go , all that stuff . I didn't know how to play it . But , speaking to our creativity , you had that guitar . It was a metal guitar .

Justin 9:49

That was a Hawaiian guitar that my grandfather gave me .

Rhett 9:52

It was a Hawaiian guitar , and so we would get our creativity and create music videos to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles . We did Coming out of our shells Coming out of our shells tour , yeah , and we memorized the music . Yeah , and we created a in my bedroom with a backdrop of just you know a closet and we stood in front .

Rhett 10:13

Some picture I'll put that keyboard on my knee and you we don't . I don't know how to play the keyboard and you got that guitar in your hand didn't know how to play it we put a headset on top of a camcorder microphone , yeah , and we hit play on the cassette and we could barely even hear the music coming through the headset that was going through the microphone . But we could hear it enough to where we were , like we're lip singing like Milli .

Justin 10:35

Vanilli .

Rhett 10:35

Yeah , and we're playing . And what's funny is I would have never thought I would have learned how to play keyboard , but yet I've from those moments . And then you've gone on and we've gone on . We did music . I've learned how to play piano you've learned how to play guitar .

Rhett 10:49

Yeah , you know , and and always in our heart at a professional level and and it's so funny how that just started a small seed it really did . And if I were a bit of my dad walking in , I'm like , oh my god , these kids are crazy . I'm glad they're not in my hair , but you know , like there potential .

Justin 11:04

I remember getting that guitar really my grandmother's dad , so she wanted to give it to me because I was showing interest in music , which another story I won't get to . I came home one day I kept it under my bed and there was another family member who said it was promised to them and they took it from me . I remember that and I came home and I'm like where's my guitar ? And my brother's like , well , they said it's theirs . So I never fought with it , but I missed that Hawaiian guitar . So whatever family member has it , you know , if you want to give it back , I did something with music with my life . That would be a blessing , and I don't know if you did or not , because I can't remember what family member took it .

Justin 11:40

I do remember going to my grandmother's house and I would take it wherever I went and I didn't know you actually pressed down strings on the fretboard on your left hand . I just thought you strummed which . I thought how do they get so much sound out of six strings ? But I was able to play these three notes . I remember it was like a dun dun , dun , those three notes , and I thought that's this band called Nelson . Oh , nelson

The Power of Music and Memories

Justin 12:02

. The song was called After the Rain and it was like dun dun , dun dun .

Rhett 12:07

And I called you Rhett , Do you remember ?

Justin 12:09

this . I called you and I'm just strumming . I'm like Rhett , listen , I learned a song . I just start strumming up and down on these six strings .

Rhett 12:19

You gotta go . Clang clang , clang , clang , clang clang , no music at all .

Justin 12:20

The same tone and then when I get to the chorus I'd stop everything , go down , down , down down . And I was so proud and you were on the other end of the line like man , yeah , that's cool man yeah , I was like all I hear is noise .

Justin 12:35

I was like , oh , he hears the greatness of what I'm playing my great grandfather played in these bands and they did a lot of tours like in Hawaii , which was really cool , and I never knew that . But as I was learning to , I felt this passion to be a musician . I would learn these stories and songs he had written . That just sat in the case and I would pull the guitar out at night and just I would listen to music in the background and just go through all these songs and it has always been that interest , so fun how you look at your , the path and the journey that's gone on , and music has been a huge part of my life .

Rhett 13:09

And we haven't really talked too much about music in our life and the impact that it had on our lives to this day . I don't understand how it works I'm sure there is neuroscience behind this how it opens up pathways in our minds to the memories in the moments that we were actually in . So I can hear a certain song , like I can hear a Phil Collins song , I can feel it Right , and it's like I can't even really tell you what those lyrics are . But I can tell you the moments in my life as a child , in those going to Florida with my family and all the different things , and I'm like in it one day actually this was , this was when I was in transition and had some time and I was traveling , driving back and forth between Twin Falls and Boise .

Rhett 13:52

I went down the list and went to 1980 and I listened to all the major hits and I was and I was just hearing the songs , not all of them , but some of them I was like , okay , wow , wow , that takes all right . This song came out then , yes , and it takes me back to a moment . I'm like , okay , I remember this . I would have been three or four years old at this point .

Justin 14:09

And then I went to eight , 1981 .

Rhett 14:11

And I went down the top hits and I listened , and not all of them , but some of them . I was like trying to do some , like some kind of exercise for my soul to go back as a child and remember the great moments I had with my mom before she left . There's something powerful about music that not only inspires but it can encourage , but can evoke emotions , because in memories and I think for me , that was just a very healing moment for me to go back and reminisce , and even from , you know , 1985 , when my mom passed away . Even listening , past that going okay , this is where I was , because I don't always have a great memory , like I can hear a song and not know when it came out and all of that and think it was just a part of my life forever . But it just it opens doors and some good memories , some bad , and I don't rest in the bad moments but I acknowledge them and like what am I feeling through that ? And it has helped me to grow in some self-discovery and taking me back .

Justin 15:13

Music's powerful the way that you can listen to something and it can evoke an emotion right away . It can trigger a response . You can recall where you were , and I think what you're saying is there's a bit of unlocking you can do .

Rhett 15:25

Yeah .

Justin 15:26

Like I'll try to take things back and listen . I remember what I was doing in a certain season . I'll go back and listen to a song and it's like it begins to unlock stuff , and I'll do it purposely . I'll go back , like you're just saying it's very much the same , uh , the pattern that you and I do , but I'll go back and listen . You know , with me it was more of the , I would say , the you know , 89 , you know I was like 11 . I think I really started having good memories with music and I will listen to those and it will take me back to being the 11 , the 12 , the days we've talked about on these previous episodes from the tennis courts .

Rhett 16:01

Well , it takes me to the moments where we were sitting around what we would call a boom box at the time , where we went to double cassettes , where it was like you listening to the radio to hear your favorite song , come on and DJs and everything was a big .

Rhett 16:13

you know , like that's where we're looking up to that , like oh my God , how cool would it be to be the conversationist between songs and all of that , and we would sit there and wait for that song and we would hit record and we would listen to it and then we'd record all these songs and double cassette mixed state and then we'd go back and make our recordings of our own little show . Oh yeah , and what's funny ? It's so funny .

Justin 16:35

We're doing that now . It's so crazy .

Rhett 16:36

It is how it all like plays out 20 , 30 something years later . Dr Cruz and Dr Hopeful , unbelievable .

Justin 16:43

Actually 40 years at this point yeah , close to it . Yeah .

Unlocking Mental Mixtapes With the Holy Spirit

Rhett 16:48

So unlocking these things , even that memory that I just shared of us doing that those certain songs will take .

Justin 16:53

I remember us sitting around waiting for Bon Jovi , the mixtape you're talking about , I would put it in my Walkman cassette tape , ride my bike for hours just to listen to this music , and so now when I go back , it's like I can take myself back there and it's like I'm doing a bit of surgery and , of course , with with us .

Justin 17:11

I mean , you know we're believers in Jesus , you know , father , son , the power of the Holy spirit in us now and I do a lot of just conversation just throughout the day . So I'll listen to a song and I'll ask , I'll be asking God , like what is this in me , this feeling that I keep getting what ? What happened to me and I'll do a little bit of surgery ? I'll play the song . It either gives me a happy response or , if it gives me kind of this negative response , I'm like Lord , what am I not thinking of ?

Justin 17:39

That happened in that moment and I didn't realize it was an injustice that was done against me , whatever it was . Because I'm trying to tap back into some of that and say Holy Spirit , examine me , reveal some things that maybe I did or said or had said to me that I took as instant truth because it came from a powerful or an authoritative person or a leader , and I now have been constructed a little bit , buying into some of that lie . So , lord , what piece of wood there . If you will do , I need to go ahead and do a little bit of demolition on so that the Holy Spirit can rebuild and reframe that part of my life , and music is a part that I use because I naturally listen , am very um drawn to music to help me on that that's exactly what I was doing in that exercise and it wasn't like I read a book that said you need to go do this , but I had gotten to a place in my life when I sat down with a counselor in like 2021 , is that it ?

Rhett 18:39

yeah , they were like how do you feel ? I was like , uh , I guess I feel good , really like I'm . I'm at a place where I hit burnout and I'm trying my best to just figure out how did I get here ? And I'm just been so performance based all my life and I was just leading at a , at a level and at a pace so fast and she was a wonderful counselor .

Rhett 19:00

She handed me this like I don't know feeling type , you know thing that had all these feelings on it , or emotions , I should say . And she said out of all those , how would you say point out one of those ? I'm looking at them like , by the way , I had no idea . I literally told her . I said I'm kind of blown away , like I should know this , but I didn't know that there were these many emotions and I was like I thought it was either happy or sad or joy and depressed , or , and I'm like all these different things . I told her . I said I honestly can't tell you which one of these I am , and she's like , well , that tells us a lot and I'm like we got a journey . I'm still on that journey but during that time that's when I was like I was trying to . She didn't tell me to do this .

Reflecting on Personal Growth Through Music

Rhett 19:44

I was like I got to go back and figure out where I lost my feelings and where they became very numb , and obviously a lot of that went back to some of the trauma moments that I experienced as a kid and we don't have time to go into that in this episode and we won't .

Rhett 19:56

But I do think that it's interesting how I started to experience emotions out of certain time periods of music , going through the 80s as a kid , all the way up until the 90s when I gave my heart to Christ , and even how music began to just really , you know , through the power of the Holy Spirit and a relationship with God , through worship and the ability to start connecting with God and the memories of just the moment where I was like I was lost . But now I'm saved and my soul is set free and now I'm experiencing joy and peace and love and all the good , the fruits of the spirit , the Galatians five talks about , and even listening to those songs all of a sudden opened up doors and memories that were like hey , you remember what God's done for you , of coming to the . It was almost like going back to your first love . I think oftentimes in our walk with the Lord , in any relationship , we can become so familiar that it becomes normal , and that's that's a great thing , and there's there's wisdom there , right .

Rhett 20:57

But I ? But going back and listening to some of those songs that were very instrumental whether it be DC talk or audio adrenaline or winds of worship or you know , hosanna , all that stuff in the 90s , right , it was like they took me back to moments of remembering all that God was doing in my life and what he saved me from , what he set me free from and what I've gotten used to so much . That's become normal now . That's just a part of my life and it was just a great moment to see . Go back , look , reflect , try to figure out where some of these points in my life that have been transitional and who have helped or hurt my journey , but then coming to the point of how powerful music was and it's obviously a gift that God's given to us to draw us closer to Him and to each other , and to use in a way that helps us in our life .

Justin 21:49

You know , when you're listening to music too , it's like it takes you back , but it also can take you forward . You know you have a lot of men and women who really have a lot of boy and girl still in them . That needs to be , that needs to have vulnerability set in and have some of those talks whether it's through a counselor , which obviously I think that's a very important thing just connection , having people you feel safe with . That you can have these conversations because , above all and I know you'd say the same thing I have my wife , which is my best friend and not everybody gets to say that , and I realized that I get a little of this fun benefit that she's also a licensed therapist so she can actually help diagnose certain things when we're talking and over the years she has been amazing to keep me sane . But on top of that , I have a best friend in you and we're able to say things .

Justin 22:42

Obviously , we try to be very open on this podcast , but there's things that we only say to each other that other than our wives , only you and I know about . That's been so therapeutic for me over these years that I might be crazy had I not have all these connections because I can say what I want without the risk of you being nervous to answer the call the next day or to hang out again , and people need that connection in their life . And so when we're talking about taking it back , I love going back and listening to these songs or however that works for you when you're looking back . But I think what helps really firm it up what I've learned is I take what I just experienced and , instead of staying isolated with it , I will end up sharing it with you Almost , even if it brings up a grieving thought , like , as I dive into stuff , to really do some counsel and some examination on my spirit and on my soul , I'll have this grievance hit me , almost , feeling like God , I missed this right here and it's just an open , vulnerable thought .

Justin 23:47

I'm being honest If I hid that I missed this right here . Yeah , and it's just an open , vulnerable thought . I'm being honest . If I hid that , I'm not being honest with myself . And it doesn't mean I'm now going to go try to make up for whatever that missed thing was Right . That ship may have sailed and that's okay , but at least I have the relationships of my spouse , I have the relationship of my best friend . You hear all those things that I'm talking about now and it helps me deal because you get to listen , but then you also get to respond and we get to jump in together thinking ooh , what ifs .

Justin 24:17

But , then we also get to say but you know , God's sovereignty was written all over that he had you , but there's many people not getting that out , hence the numbness .

Rhett 24:27

There's a lot of things I want to dive into here . I want to talk number one about . Like we're in our 40s , so the way we're looking at life and what I'm learning of how we're looking at it it was . It's completely different than if you're a 20 year old listening to this and I want to speak to that , but also want to speak to the point of the intentionality that you and I have had over time . So I think the one thing , our response that we get from a lot of people are like man , I wish I would have had that . I would have loved to have had this kind of relationship . I would have loved .

Rhett 24:53

You know , I've had people in and out of my life , all my life , but I've never had a consistent friend . And I think what goes back to our relationship , in our friendship , is the fact that I think unintentionally intentionality I know that it's I don't know , they call that oxymoron or something where we were , we were intentional , but we were unintentional in our intentionality . Right , it was like we weren't thinking about . It is what I'm trying to say . Yeah , but we just were , like we just want to stay connected . Yeah , and there were moments in our life , you know , and when you were dating people and I was dating people and then you get married and I get married

Developing Intentional and Fulfilling Friendships

Rhett 25:27

. Of course life happens and all the stereotypical things that happen on life that you see on the movies is like , oh and now you got a girl in your life . I guess I'm not your friend anymore .

Rhett 25:34

You know like uh , I don't you know , I like watching the the show , uh , psych and there's two buddies and you and I are a lot alike in regards in just the friendship and the fun , not all the other stuff that goes with it . But what's interesting is like we've just , no matter what season we've gone through , and even the times of I would call like separation , in just you know , you live in your life , me living my life , and figuring out what's next , and our families , and of course , those priorities are , you know , biblical . We're married , we're , you know , our wives are the first thing that come into our life , right , and then our kids . But trying to just figure out ways to stay intentional , whether it's a five minute phone call or a 10 minute phone call every couple of weeks or a month at a time , right . And so some people look at the the benefit of of the time that has gone by , the 38 years going on , 39 , and our friendship , and they see what we have now and they want that .

Rhett 26:26

But a lot of people don't see the side of the intentionality that we've worked really hard and I think we've been more thoughtful in that in the past 10 years more than anything , right , that has gotten us to the point to where we are , and so I think that's important . So if you're listening to this and no matter what , if you're 20 or 30 or 40 or 50 , and you think you've missed the mark , you can have some beautiful friendships that start from hello . But you've got to be intentional and you've got to just allow it to simmer and settle and not force yourself into things with your own agenda to go .

Rhett 26:57

I don't really want to be this person's friend , Well OK , that's great . But just don't put yourself in a position where you come across as that needy , needy person .

Justin 27:05

Very good .

Rhett 27:06

I mean , nothing is more unattractive than somebody who is just so needy for your attention . I'm not the answer to everything for them , right ? So there's something to be said about you being whole , you being fulfilled enough , and that your relationship with God and who you are in Christ , and just your identity alone , don't put your identity in that person that you think you want them to be your friend because they might be a great person , but maybe that's not the person God wants to align you with . So be patient in the process , be intentional , but don't be offended if that does , if that's not reciprocated .

Rhett 27:37

In a very fast moving culture of Instagram and social media and direct access to people because we live in a new day and age now , man , where we think we've got to get this instant access because I can direct message a professional athlete this moment and I'm like , well , they didn't respond . Of course not . You know how many millions of people are sending them direct message . And so there's this false this , this false expectation we put on people to just respond , and and I guess what I'm trying to say is that , when it comes to our friendship and that dynamic , when you're intentional with people , not everybody will be intentional back , but those that are , give it time and let it process and just trust the Lord in that as well , but always have your identity in Him before you need identity and who you think you want as a friend .

Justin 28:22

A great takeaway from what you said , too , is when you hear something like this , it might inspire you to say , oh , I need to go connect right away . You know there's a way to develop . We have spent all these years getting to know each other , so we've put , we've done the work . If you have a successful marriage , hopefully you're experiencing the greater part of it . On the latter , part of your marriage .

Justin 28:42

If you're doing it right , because you're growing in friendship and you're learning to love each other more and more and open up with each other , that is a successful marriage . That's what we should all be striving for . You don't get it on day one . Connection needs to exist in all phases . I mean I love that I know hundreds of people on that acquaintance level and I know that I get to know them kind of on a we're casual friends right and we have people that we're doing life together , more of that cohort . Then you get to move it on up that ladder . If it's supposed to be a closer relationship where you do have more of your close friends and then really your confidants lay out relationship , when I look at it and I have them on all areas of those spectrums and I think for a healthy life we need friends on all those levels , even from the most acquaintant level to the most intimate level . But it takes work to move up that spectrum if you will , and so don't just go throw yourself at somebody right now .

Justin 29:44

I've been there , by the way , when we gave our life to Christ . Really around the same time we surrendered our life , very connected , but somewhere in there there was what I would call , in a negative way , a religious spirit that set in that expected perfection and not grace , and it was like you got to do things right , you got to do it right , and what that did in me , it made me very uptight and I stopped opening up to anybody for a season . Ironically , I became quite the little judge of other people pointing fingers . So I went through that and you and I actually went through a little bit of a less connection during the season , even though we still connected .

Rhett 30:20

Yeah .

Justin 30:21

And I can remember stepping into a new part of our life me and Summer stepping into a new part of our life me and Summer getting to know a whole new grouping of people . Well , I was used to having like you around or different people that I could go to , and there was a credit built where I could take a withdrawal from the bank and I didn't like tap out of all the funds . Well , I started going to this new space and I'm having conversations with people who are great at making you feel listened to and heard , and I can remember taking countless times of just blah , saying whatever was on my heart and , honestly , it was too soon . And then you start wondering why do I wake up the next day Like , ooh , something felt weird . Ooh , did I say too much ?

Justin 31:04

We can so often without that awareness , jump into long for connection that you go there too much . We can so often , without that awareness , jump into long for connection that you go there too much . But you've got to take it through the process . That's why I would encourage you you don't have that relationship now . You can . It's going to take some work , so handle the work on the right way . On the flip side , you still need to get what you got to get out and if you don't have the spouse , you're not married and you're single , find someone who is a professional counselor , who they are trained to go back with you . You're still investing in building a future relationship that they're going to get to fulfill some of that , just like you're going to fulfill some of that for them . It's going to be going both ways reciprocating relationship . But you are paying a counselor who is being there to help tend to your immediate need , because we have to have a true sense of connection and dealing with stuff .

Rhett 31:55

We're not designed to be able to carry everybody's burdens . That's Jesus's job , right Jesus ?

Justin 32:00

is the one .

Rhett 32:01

we cast our burdens on who ? On Christ , he's the one that can carry that and remove that . Now we can share burdens , but we have to be very mindful and aware that when we go into a relationship we have to just have some wisdom and some intentionality and wisdom to understand that we can't just open the floodgates from hello and here my name is and then throw up on them . It's like whoa .

Rhett 32:26

It's not that that person couldn't go there eventually . Maybe that does happen , maybe it doesn't . As we're talking about this right now , justin , I think it's interesting because many people that are listening probably think do y'all plan these conversations ? Is this something that you kind of think of on the front end , that you guys talk about ? And , honestly , today Justin and I just sat down , we started talking , having a conversation . It's kind of led to this , unintentional as far as the content , but I think it's interesting , unintentionally intentional . Unintentionally intentional on the content that is coming out right now and I think it is interesting and I feel like it's Holy Spirit led in that this is something that we need to talk about is what I'm trying to say , and that is the idea of trying to find relationship . What does that look like and how to process that ? And that's more than just one episode , but I do think it comes down to awareness . It does happen to be intentional and in that intentionality , understanding that it is a process and it's gonna take some time In not every relationship

Navigating Relationships in the Digital Age

Rhett 33:21

.

Rhett 33:21

Your hope is great , that man I sure would love to become a great friend of A , b , c , d , e , f , g person , but I also understand that if that doesn't happen and it just turns out that that is a relationship in a season , to help me connect to another relationship , or either to learn from that person in that moment of how I can become better in that moment and maybe there's no more interactions . There's always something to be learned from every moment with every person , and not every moment and every person leads to your next best friend , but it can lead to an acquaintance that is very valuable , that connects you to another relationship . It can lead you to a relationship that opens a door to another relationship , that all of a sudden now you're in a friendship because of those interactions and so . But it's being aware of that . I didn't have that awareness at 20 . And I don't think I've even really learned that very well over my life .

Rhett 34:11

But there have been times where I've had false expectations of people that I've put on them to go . What in the world ? What's wrong with them ? How come they not want to hang out with me ? And I'm like , wait a minute , they're not the issue , I'm the issue , right ? So when it comes to relationships and it comes to the time that it takes , many of us don't want to put in that time because we're living in a culture right now of Instagram , instant Facebook , highlight the access . Why have you not responded to my text ? I just sent it to you and it's been two minutes . I saw the little dot dot dot or the bubble , bubble , bubble . I saw you see it . Why in in the world did you not respond ?

Justin 34:44

to it . It simply says red , it's already been red , yeah or red , and here we are 48 hours past and you what in the world like ?

Rhett 34:51

and I think we got to get back to the play . And this is the culture that our kids are growing up in , it's true , and so we're having to teach this younger generation it's okay to let things simmer , because people send me things a lot . I'll get a text and I there's a moment where I think this is how I need to respond . If I respond quickly , but if I wait on it for a minute , not because I'm trying to be rude , but because I want the wisdom to be able to respond in a respectful way and give them the undivided attention that they deserve , rather than a quick like what right ? Cause I'm in a meeting , I'm talking with somebody , we're doing this podcast , right , and so it might take me 24 hours or 48 hours to respond , but when I do , you're going to get my undivided attention .

Rhett 35:30

My hope is a very intentional response to the question or comment or whatever it might be , and I would say this just because it might be an emergency to somebody else your emergency doesn't always mean it's my emergency , and I'm not trying to be disrespectful , but it's not being disrespectful though . Yeah , it's not , it's . It's it's understanding and being aware and honoring . There are moments that are emergency issues to where , like something , death , those kinds of things . But some of these positions that people get into didn't happen overnight . It was a long lifespan and now it's become an emergency for them . But it's not necessarily my emergency that needs my immediate attention and that's where those healthy boundaries come in , to realize we can talk about that tomorrow . It's true , that's not something that even a five minute conversation is going to be able to fix in this moment .

Justin 36:18

Yes , and when it comes to relationship , there's the side of your building relationship . But you're also looking at , you're just not giving an open gate of you have unlimited access . I was talking to someone just huge mentor to me and he had received a text from someone who was in a marriage crisis and it was like two in the morning and they said we need to talk now . And he was able to sleep at night because he looked at that and said they did not just like you , said they did not get in this space immediately . I'm not going to make their emergency my emergency . I'm going to keep my good night's sleep and I'm going to get a good night rest . This is not a true emergency . I'll text you in the morning . Was a response .

Justin 37:06

Any texts that then came back saying , no , you don't understand now . Now he could disregard it and get a good night's sleep . Different people are going to have different thoughts with that , because we're all sensitive creatures and we all come from different backgrounds . And some are going to say , oh , my goodness , you should respond . They're in need and you have a bleeding heart . Some are very callous . It's like I don't care , it's their problem .

Rhett 37:28

I'll call them whenever I want to come back .

Justin 37:30

So both of those are wrong . The right way is the balance of saying yes , I'm going to respond in the appropriate manner to this person .

Justin 37:38

So the whole deal of having connection , and then the expectations we talked about in the podcast previously , all these false expectations you can get into the point where people will not put their phone down because they're terrified to miss a message and you know , I was talking with someone the other day . They literally used to take their phone to the shower with them . If they missed a text from their boss , they heard about it . There needs to be a conversation on both ends of what's a realistic expectation and what's unrealistic expectation .

Rhett 38:15

Yeah , clarification , communication number one and closing the gap . I was actually talking to a leader the other day about how , when we let so much time go by , we tend to fill in the gap with well . We let so much time go by , we , we tend to fill in the gap with well . I wonder if what they're thinking or how you know , and all of a sudden we're all this negative stuff when there's really nothing negative happening , like so that leader , the direct port , sends a text and they didn't get that immediate response because they had that expectation of their , you know , employee or whoever that they didn't respond to me . So they must like what are they doing ? They're not working , they're not , they're not doing what I've asked them to do or that task , and that's not the case . So it's all the negative stuff when it should be filled with . Oh , I trust them and they're probably in the middle of something very important . They might be with a family member and they'll get back to me and they know this is important . And the same thing for the person who's receiving the text not to feel the expectation of . I got to live with my phone in the shower , in the bathroom , and miss the moment that's right in front of them with their wife and their kids at home on a Saturday , right , right and which is really the most important thing , right .

Rhett 39:14

And I know what it's like to work for a leader where I was that same person .

Rhett 39:17

I can't miss , like I'm living on the edge and I hate the phone because I'm , like I feel like I'm in an abusive relationship to where what text is going to come across , where I'm not performing at the level that this leader wants me to perform at and if I miss it and don't respond within five seconds of that text , then I'm not a great leader and I don't have value to add to this organization .

Rhett 39:40

I know what that's like and that took me years to get past . I know what that's like and that's that took me years to get past . Even in some transitions of life it took me a year or two where I was like I think I'm finally at the point where I don't care if this person texts me anymore . Now I'm out of that organization and move forward and I'm leading another organization , but still that manipulation and that just toxicity and anxiety of just that stress level of God if this person texts me , you know , at that point . I'm not on their staff and my boot forward and I'm leading a church and but I'm still a grown man , 40 something years old , with anxiety over another grown man sending me a text , and that's just toxic and we've got to get better . We've got to have the conversations .

Justin 40:18

I think , going into an organization , clarifying those conversations , going into a friendship you have people who are living with chronic anxiety because they've created this world of they're protecting theirself from all this stuff .

Rhett 40:33

Going back to the music , going back to the concerts . You remember the day when a concert was a big deal .

Justin 40:38

Oh yeah .

Rhett 40:39

When the only thing you knew about an artist was their CD or their tape or whatever we saw on mtv or there was a mystery there was a mystery to it and I it was like love , that a massive mystery . And it was like I , unless you were in their fan club and if your band club it was like the mailer right right , or a magazine that just happened to have one little article on that band that you liked and you're glued to and you're glued and you and you , you savor it .

Rhett 41:04

But it's like a stake at that moment to where you're not onto the next highlight reel or this or that . And now we're living in an age where I know what they had for breakfast , I know where they're walking to right now , in this next moment , right , I know where they're headed and it's like the mystery is gone , right . And so when I meet somebody now it's kind of like well , I mean , I kind of knew you and you're kind of a normal human being that plays music . And when I go to a concert I'm like it's so crazy and I'm like and I and I get it .

Rhett 41:34

Like Taylor Swift , that's a that's a fun phenom type thing right now . I know all the youth and everybody in that culture . She does all that and there's still that joy of getting to experience that and I get it . But , like for the most part , it's like just , we're in a different day . It is , and it's so fast paced and and it the culture wants to suck us into that trap and what we're trying to say is you know , don't get sucked into the trap of thinking that man , you've got to go all in 100% . That kind of open , that kind of vulnerable with every relationship that you meet right off the bat .

Justin 42:04

Man . That's so good , because that's two different connections .

Authentic Connection vs. Social Media

Justin 42:08

One is connection where you're really being connected with somebody in flesh , right there . We are connected heart to heart , eye to eye , face to face I mean hand to hand , whatever it might be . You're truly connected across the table , like you and me right now talking . Versus isolated connection , where you're seeing them but you're not really with them , you're not in the same environment . I know when I'm across the table from you I'm at least getting you . I'm not getting a manufactured connection . It's drugs . It gives the sense of oh , I feel like I just got to hang out , but you leave empty and you wonder why you death scroll for hours , because it's just never enough , because it's not only true . Connection brings contentedness .

Rhett 42:59

Yeah , instagram prime example reels . I mean we use them for trying to get the word out for this podcast , but , like if your life is endless death scrolling , you are missing out , you are isolated , you are disconnected from the story behind that photo . We were talking about this earlier off air , about remember the days where you would only see a highlight reel when you would go visit somebody's house . Yeah , and there would be the picture on the mantle .

Justin 43:24

Oh yeah .

Rhett 43:24

And there's like , oh yeah , that was our trip to , you know , florida on this day and this picture was taken and and this was the moment that was created , man , we had to save up for months just to get to the expense to go on this trip , for this moment with my son . And now it's like we're we're bombarded with highlight reels of people's living room , when we're missing the story behind it .

Rhett 43:45

And we're just seeing that photo and it leaves us going wow , their life is amazing . And you're seeing amazing , amazing , amazing , amazing , amazing , amazing , amazing , amazing , amazing with every scroll and you're not getting the behind the scenes story of the relationship . It's false the behind the story relationship of the months and the years and the toil that it took for that moment to be captured and had . So we're missing the story behind it .

Justin 44:07

It's a false relationship . I mean , I'm just imagining so many pictures taken over the years that I'm looking at it . Or it sits on my desk and it's a picture of me in summer , or me and the kiddos , or whatever it is . It's like when you're on socials and you do see a breathtaking picture and it's like , oh , my goodness , that's the picture I'll remember forever . Then it's like okay , what's next ?

Rhett 44:30

Yep , what's next ? What's next ?

Justin 44:32

So you're discrediting the art because there's so much of this stuff , it's lacking true connection . The beauty of these pictures was about the connection . Yeah , it was about sharing the moment , but there's so many you never really get to share it . You're just getting things out there to fulfill a hole inside that won't ever be fulfilled .

Rhett 44:53

Yeah , and there's nothing wrong with sharing and being a part of it , but we just don't want to get sucked into it to where we have a unrealistic expectation .

Rhett 45:00

I think when you have the awareness to realize , you know what that's a highlight moment and I bet you there was a lot of stuff that went into that moment for them . I had the opportunity to take my son to a race this weekend and never we saved up and it took some time and never in my life have I ever had the opportunity to go to a race and see the behind the scenes . And that's taken years and I even told my son this is a very special moment , let's enjoy it . And he had the opportunity to take a lot of pictures and a lot of photos with a lot of famous people within the indie series and create some really cool connections , proud of that moment . But I don't have the joy of being able to share the experience and the development that it took to get to a place where I was able to get those photos with my son . You know those would normally be something we'd have in a living room , but now our living rooms are social media .

Justin 45:52

No one will ever know those stories I will Cause you and I sat and we had a cup of coffee today and we spent a long time just getting to talk about what led to this . What led to that ?

Rhett 46:02

And it was all about relationships .

Rhett 46:04

This relationship took time , took years , got to the point to where it opened a door for another relationship and then connecting to that relationship to open up an opportunity . We're missing those stories , we're missing those moments , and I guess the reason we're even talking about this is we have to grow to an awareness of realistic expectations when it comes to what we're seeing on social media , from what's real and what's fake , and see it from the perspective of you know what ? I have to have some real , tangible relationships that go beyond death scrolling and behind the digital and get face-to-face with people . And when I am face-to-face with people , be intentional , with the awareness , too , that this is a process in every season of life .

Rhett 46:46

God will bring you the relationships you need for the moments that are there and just accept them for what they are . And if it's an acquaintance , let it be the best acquaintance you'll ever meet in your life . If it turns into a best friend , awesome yeah . If it turns into a utility type relationship , that's like . You know what , like I can connect you to these other people . Well then , praise God for that connection to get you to the other people .

Justin 47:07

Yeah , don't be so focused on but I want to do relationship with you . Don't make it more than it is at the right timing . Without agenda , it will become what it's supposed to become if you continue to invest and it's reciprocated .

Personalized Help for Your Journey

Justin 47:23

Thank you for listening to Armchair Authentic with Rhett and Justin . We had a great time with you today . Now imagine that what you're going through right now , that you could have those questions talked about and maybe even answered by someone that you trust . Well , that's where we come in . We want to hear from you , we want to design content around what you're going through , and the best way to reach out to us is info at armchairauthenticcom . We want to help you get to the next step of your journey . We look forward to seeing you next time .