Rhett: 0:00

If you are in a moment of grieving and you don't know how to process it maybe you're emotionally numb. Maybe you've lost a loved one years ago, like I have, or just recently. Don't rush the grieving process. Let it be, and then, when the wave goes out, let it go out, and then keep moving forward, and then, when it comes back in, just sit with it.

Justin: 0:17

One of the worst things you can do is just deal so much that it turns into an endless rumination.

Rhett: 0:23

So you have to have a balance.

Justin: 0:24

Like God created us to work and we're human beings, but he also did create us to work and accomplish. Stay focused on the matter at hand. Like your mission, I have a responsibility.

Rhett: 0:35

Oh, I'm not depressed, I'm highly. I'm blessed and highly favored. I'm the head and the not to tell. I'm blessed going in and blessed going out. Greater is greater is he who's in me. You know like, I got all the verses and I do believe every single one of those, but I, but right now I'm feeling human humanity and I think that's important. It's essential, the same compassion you would show somebody else in this situation, if your love and grace show that to yourself.

Rhett: 1:08

Welcome back to another conversation with your friends, rhett and Justin, right here at Armchair Authentic, where we have real conversations about real life with real people. Now, justin and I have been doing life with each other for over 39 years and we're simply trying to steward our stories in a way that serve you. Now, if today is your first time with us, we want to say welcome, friends, it is so good to have you with us. Now, if you haven't already done so, could we encourage you to go to our social media accounts, either on Facebook or Instagram, and follow us? You can find us at Armchair Authentic that's at Armchair Authentic. Or you can go on over to X and find us at Armchair Auth Pod. That's Armchair Auth A-U-T-H-P-O-D.

Rhett: 1:58

Okay, before we jump into our conversation, simply want to remind every single one of you if you've been enjoying this podcast. Could you do us a huge favor. Would you take the time to copy the link from your favorite podcast platform and send it to a friend man? That would mean so much to us. Thank you, all right, friends. Now onto the conversation. You guys ready, here we go. Well, justin, here we are in the studio again. Can you believe we are actually two days away from a very Merry Christmas? Merry Christmas, I know. Merry Christmas everybody, all our friends and family who have been along on this journey. I mean, we're closing in almost on a year of this podcast.

Justin: 2:39

Unbelievable. Yeah, I mean this is what going to be episode. This is 47. 47. And so I mean we is what's going to be episode. This is 47. 47. And so I mean we're closing in on the big old 5-0. I know, got three more before.

Rhett: 2:50

I know, yeah, let's go so we'll end the year with 48.

Justin: 2:53

We'll talk about that next week, right?

Rhett: 2:55

Yeah, Because this is crazy, Because when we launched it, we launched our episodes. Correct me if I'm wrong last part of January, right?

Justin: 3:03

Like January 28th or something, wasn't it like the first week of February? Yeah, because we did a couple of teaser trailers.

Rhett: 3:08

Oh, that's right, it was the trailers that I was thinking about. So technically, yeah, and we started out thinking we might do one every couple of weeks or one a month, and then we're like we can't.

Justin: 3:19

Man, I was thinking about that. What if we would have done one a month? We would already be almost. We would end our year being four years into where we would have been.

Rhett: 3:28

Think about that.

Justin: 3:28

So what would this be? This would be 12 a year if we did once a month. Times four is 48. We'll finish year number one on 48 episodes. Technically a bonus one, but you know.

Rhett: 3:39

Yeah Well, people ask me often, when we do talk about the podcast, like man, you guys are crushing it, you're killing it. I mean, how are you guys doing that? I'm like, honestly, I have no idea. I'm like the the work that it I think. I think that with anything you know, the work that goes into just, or the discipline, I should say, and the work that goes into producing these things once a week and taking the time to sit down and have conversation, has taken a lot more than I thought it would.

Justin: 4:08

Yeah, me too. I mean, you know we edit, you're getting an authentic conversation from us, but we go through, we edit other than you know last week or two, three weeks ago, when my mic wasn't working we try to make sure we give you good quality. Every week.

Rhett: 4:22

I think that's probably some of the biggest compliments I get is, they enjoy the quality of the podcast and so, yeah, it does take some effort to keep it feeling organic and authentic and good quality, yeah, and I'm just so grateful for those who have taken the time to actually spend the time and invest the time and hanging out with us for, you know, an hour, sometimes 30 minutes, an hour and a half, depending on the conversation it really does bless me. It encourages me to know that somehow, some way, god can use these two Alabama boys in a way, with our story and our conversations and even our goofiness sometimes, to try to help people and encourage people. And so, thank you, thank you. I guess my heart goes out to every single one of you.

Rhett: 5:03

Huge shout out and I'll tell you there's one guy I'll give a shout out to. I won't say his last name, but Dan, you know who you are. Always blesses me, man. Thank you so much Dan's great. And Dan's awesome and he was like, hey, man, nothing like Thanksgiving, but you got to have the cranberry sauce out of the can.

Justin: 5:21

I'm like he's quite the guy. He really is Huge background, very successful person who's dedicated his life to ministry yeah, and so, honestly, when he comes and says he doesn't miss an episode, I'm like Close my mind. I'm like wow, thank you.

Rhett: 5:36

Yeah.

Justin: 5:37

It's so humbling. It is Because he is like I say we don't, you know, we just try to have a good time, that's it. And he's a leader among leaders, and it's just awesome when you hear somebody like that listening and that could go for many names. We're not calling out right now.

Rhett: 5:52

It blows my mind. Yeah, it blows my mind too, and if I'm being authentic, the more people that come up to me and talk to me, especially, you know that I would look up and respect and think, wow, why would they even give us the time? Honestly, like I. It puts me in a point of going well, how, what are we going to talk about? Like, what are we? What kind of conversation?

Justin: 6:12

do we need to?

Rhett: 6:12

continue to have to you know, but but I think I don't know, man.

Rhett: 6:18

I think more than anything. For me it's just like you know, we've just the whole goal of this. I keep telling people like the whole goal, and correct me if I'm wrong, dude, but like we just really wanted to steward our story. Go back and listen to and maybe, if for anything, my kid's kids at some point, or my kid his kids at some point, which we're a long way away from that but if anything, go back and listen to some of the crazy stories of you know, pawpaw and Justin. You know.

Justin: 6:57

That's true, yeah, I mean, well, we definitely have the gift of gab and that's not something that everybody has. And I would also say we're in kind of a culture that you just don't talk too much and nothing's wrong with this, but you almost have to get to the point when you're saying something. And I think that's just in culture with our you know, looking at your like, our, our smartphones everything's so fast paced. I even feel how things can take their time. First episode, like we're on the phone talking and we're hoping that some of that can be.

Justin: 7:32

You take it and just imagine okay, this still goes on and maybe this sounds like conversations you have, and if it doesn't, I think there's this underlying theme you felt from us that get somebody in your life.

Justin: 8:03

I mean, I think that's the banner that we just keep putting all this on is we are believers, we are followers of Christ. So you're going to hear our journey and everything that we're talking about, and we are so imperfect, but it's a journey. It's discipleship constantly, and discipleship is not like you just start praying and all of a sudden you go to the new voice, our conversations. You're hearing us for what we are and we're trying to remain authentic, even when it's hard for us sometimes to want to get into a professional kind of sounding deal. We're trying to be friends on this podcast so that you feel like you're coming along for the journey and also maybe you'll realize, if you don't have that person, maybe it's time to explore that space and see who's somebody in my life that I've got just that divine flow with that I can begin having some phone calls with take into coffee, just have something that generates on and on until you've got that person in your life.

Justin: 9:04

That it's not a place that got that person in your life. Yeah, that it's not a place that you just drowned out your sorrow. To me, a great friendship, it's like a bank you are constantly depositing and withdrawing and the more you deposit you might have a season where you've got to take withdrawals out, yeah, and it's just kind of you withdrawing, but you're not going to like tap out and like go under budget where you've tapped out, all the cash is gone. Me and Rhett, we have such a relationship that we've been through our different seasons that it's constant deposits, it's constant withdrawals and I'm convinced everybody needs that in their life and we believe in the scriptures. And if you keep taking it back, you're going to see that theme that people had somebody along with them.

Justin: 9:50

I think of Jonathan and the armor bearer when they take on this army. Because they had each other, of course, david and Jonathan as well. They had just such a love for each other that even the Bible says that it was deeper than that that a man has towards a woman. And to explain that for those of you who you know you've never maybe heard that verse it's not saying it replaces it, it's not saying any kind of alternative lifestyle. What it's saying is that there are these brotherly and sisterly friendships with God, a guy, girl to girl. That exists, that God created us to have a bond, that we can only understand each other, and there is a satisfaction and a fulfillment of the heart and of the head that when you have that with somebody, there's nothing greater and it is a perfect compliment to, hopefully, the successful marriage that you have with your spouse, who is your ultimate best friend. Yeah, 100%.

Rhett: 10:47

Yeah, no, that's really good. I I think one of the greatest things that I would try to help people on on this journey of a friendship is to realize it's like farming you know you plant seeds and then eventually, you know, you know it takes root and then it grows, and then it even the growth of that takes time before an apple tree becomes a fully grown apple tree that produces more apples for other people to enjoy. And, just like you said, with a bank reference, I love that because there have been times where I would probably in our relationship and even with others, where I might have withdrawn so much that it was like negative balance, like, okay, bro, like you're sucking the life out of me a little bit. You didn't pour into this, not that you would ever say that probably not that, never but that.

Justin: 11:25

Yes, keep going with your point.

Rhett: 11:26

That has not happened with us, but I would you know the reason I even mentioned that is because I think some people jump into relationships way too quick on a friendship level. To where they go?

Rhett: 11:38

instead of going zero to 30 over the next two weeks, they go zero to a hundred in the first week or conversation, and they open up on a level so fast, so quick, that it's like, well, you've crossed so many barriers and so many boundaries, and it's not that that couldn't become a great friendship, to where you could have that Slow it down, you got to slow down, man, cause you can just like you know, I don't know like in a dating relationships.

Rhett: 12:01

You can scare people away really quick if you come across desperate and it's okay to want that and to long for that, but to have the wisdom to go, you know if this becomes that great. But let's just, man, let's hang out, let's laugh football, whatever it might be, find your common interest and enjoy that and just let things organically happen. Yeah, you know, I know in friendships before where I've been the one making deposits and I'm not getting anything back, oftentimes that's a sign for me to go. You know, maybe this isn't the bank I need to continue to deposit money into if I'm not getting any interest or return on or you shift into.

Justin: 12:33

I'm a coach or a mentor to this person.

Rhett: 12:35

Exactly.

Justin: 12:36

I'm not supposed to get something from them and you? Shift your way of thinking and you embrace that role. If you want to continue to be a mentor or coach, but that means they're going to be pursuing you as they should. A coach or a mentor, yeah, but it just didn't turn into. Maybe what it could have. Yeah, and I love that. Your reference is the like cultivating like a plant.

Rhett: 12:58

Yeah.

Justin: 12:58

If that root's not set in I mean, when you're coming on so strong and sharing too deep right away, yeah, on the friendship side, it's like the wind blowing that over. It's not ready to withstand that, so it's not ready for that conversation yet. And if it's not someone who is going to be a coach to you, you're in dangerous ground of the friendship of this is not going to blossom. You watered it too much, much and now it's drowned.

Rhett: 13:25

Yeah, not to say that some people in your life, like a pastor or a leader or somebody that you highly respect and has walked through the years of whatever you're dealing with in your marriage or dealing with your finances or you know, a coach per se to where you need to open up at a level to go. Here's all the crap that I've done. I got to get better. How did you do it? I'm looking to you for advice. Okay, that's different, right, but if you're really trying to find that friend, you know to where you build it over a lifetime and over, you know, this marathon of five, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30 years or so. That that perspective, I almost think you got to go at it almost with a mindset of thinking. You know, I just I'm just enjoying today. You know it's a little different than when I first saw you. I was riding my bike by the dumpsters of Twin Gates.

Rhett: 14:11

We used to be Twin Gates apartment complex, and I see you, your dad and your brother, throwing ninja stars or throwing stars into the side paneling. That was like a wood fence that encased the dumpsters, you know, and you were throwing it and I'm sitting there watching and I'm like you're like. I don't know, I can't remember what was said, but I recognized you from a. Sunday school church experience that I've had a couple of times, the same one that Colonel Cookie visited.

Justin: 14:38

Yeah, that one Previous episode we talked about that.

Rhett: 14:41

Yeah, and I think you guys said, hey, do you want to throw one? I'm like, yeah, that would be amazing.

Justin: 14:45

You had that red bike, yeah, and you were kind of hovering.

Rhett: 14:48

Oh yeah, Like you were just riding back and forth, I was like this is interesting.

Justin: 14:51

And I could tell you were interested. Oh yeah, and then, but you engaged.

Rhett: 14:59

I did you want to throw out, but it wasn't like, oh, I found my new best friend and we need to talk about all that. All was like okay, well, next time I ride my bike, I see you, we might talk, go ride bikes together, yeah. And so I think as we get into adulthood, sometimes we forget the simplicity that friendships are and how they become fruitful over time. And I think it's almost better if you just look at hey, today is the day and I might encourage this person, I might end up over coffee hanging out, whatever, but just let that be enough is what I guess I'm trying to say. And then just let the doors open, as they need to open over time, and watch what God does, if you'll just get out of the way and just be faithful just to a moment.

Justin: 15:40

And the marathon or the farmer or the banking scenario that we just created over time and it can happen. It doesn't happen to be when you're high school or you're college buddies, there's new relationships ready to form. I just had one. I'll give him a shout out. He listens to this all the time. John Ross Aldridge Okay, 20 years.

Justin: 16:02

This past October we met each other at our first the church that I serve on staff with, at Church of the Highlands. It was our first campus to see if people would even watch Pastor Chris on a screen, and it was a temporary campus. It was going to go away in a couple of years once we built our main facility. It was your office complex, it was our office complex, and so they asked me to lead worship for that. So I went there and I was kind of given my band on the first day. John Ross Aldridge I meet him by the door. That's funny. He walks in and it was a slow growth of a relationship. He was in the band. But after you have a coffee, after you share a meal, and you start to do that consistently, it's amazing what can happen. Because now, 20 years into it we were talking about that a few weeks ago we've celebrated 20 years Like he has become such a great friend to me that he'll hear the things that 90% of the other people are not going to hear.

Rhett: 17:01

It, because that's been a relationship that you know, Trust has been built over time to the point where you're like, okay, you know, and I would even say that it started out, too, where he treated me more like a mentor and I think I get to speak into him and that's great.

Justin: 17:16

But it even shifted from that to more of this equal friendship that there's questions that I'll ask him and it's reciprocal. So we've shifted to now this deposit withdrawal and so friendship, and I think about, like you and Clay, like I remember Grow it was 2017, 18?- 2018. You were about to move. No, no, no, had I moved, yet you had already moved to Idaho, yeah okay, yeah, it was a month or two before.

Rhett: 17:49

Yeah, I came back for Grow before we launched the church yeah, it was 2018.

Justin: 17:53

And I remember being in the chapel, I'm getting ready for my lecture or my lab, I should say the next day. I'm setting it up on the screen and I hear this guy talking about Idaho. Yeah, and I remember giving him your number and you guys exchanged some you know conversation, some text, and it's little by little and I love that. That's such a cool story to me. When I hear you talk about how close y'all have gotten over the years, yeah, because that's an example, that's that if that can happen with you guys, like that's a testament, that can happen for anyone who gives the effort. Yeah, with the idea that I have a respect, yeah, towards this person.

Rhett: 18:35

It was six years of friendship that now is like we're best friend type relationship, which is, you know, didn't happen overnight, but was one of those. I'm glad you mentioned that you were faithful to a moment. You common interest Idaho my best friend just moved there. I need to introduce them. You put us in a text thread. I was at the Grantsville campus, which is like the broadcast location yeah, the other location was about I don't know 20 minutes away was where he was and I was like, well, I'll just go drive over there and meet him and I did.

Rhett: 19:05

So I drove from the broadcast over there and hung out and all I remember is meeting him and sitting close to the front row or whatever, and we were worshiping and it was like, oh, we'll learn a little bit about each other and stayed in contact and, once every couple of months maybe, talk, and next thing, you know, it's a little bit more and over time it wasn't forced, it was organic and we allowed the Lord to do it, but none of us I wasn't desperate, he wasn't desperate, but over time trust built and relationship opened. And who would have ever thought? And here we are, and then I get to serve him as an executive pastor.

Justin: 19:39

You all get to work together. It's amazing.

Rhett: 19:41

And I love that, brother, we've worked together. It's amazing and I love that brother and I've, I've, he's, so he's a.

Justin: 19:46

I had the privilege to go eat lunch with you guys last year. He's such a great guy.

Rhett: 19:51

Yeah, we're going to get him on in the new year. Yeah, he is one of our first guests that we were getting ready.

Justin: 19:55

So Clay Ramirez, get ready yeah.

Rhett: 19:58

So so, on friendships, you know, you and I sat down and it's no, it's no secret that you and I try our best to record in batches of conversations that we can, that we can still, that we're stewarding our time in a way that we're able to you know, um, drop these if you will, or release these episodes in ways to where we're just stewarding our time in a better way.

Rhett: 20:21

So you and I sit down last week and we're talking and we're trying to get ready for this episode, and I start sharing some things. Like, man, I'm processing some stuff right now and and while I could open up and be vulnerable in the moments of what I'm processing, I'm not sure we need to record it in this moment. I think I need to let a week go by before I just kind of open up on this. But and so you and I sat down and our friendship was like, yeah, this is not a in this moment, shouldn't be a recordable episode, let's just kind of talk things out. So we took a day where we would normally record at least two episodes, right, and we're like let's just talk, let's hang out, let's let's just, you know, you know, add value to each other and listen, and so I appreciate that so much. It was so, so grateful for that time.

Rhett: 21:08

And so here we are this week and because of that, you know, we're kind of a not a behind, but we're just at that point to where it's like, okay, you know, we know our flow, we know our flow and so, if you're listening, um, I, you know, I talked to Justin earlier. I was like, you know, I was just kind of processing everything I was going through last week and now I'm on the other side of it, or at least I feel a little bit more on the other side of it emotionally, as I do. The air quotes, yeah, you know and I, but I do think it's, I think it's worth mentioning in talking about, because, as we are two days away from a holiday and Christmas, you know, while it can be joyous and celebratory and a lot of great memories and in wonderful times with families, and can be very healthy, and but for for some people it's it's grieving. For some people, maybe this is the first Christmas that somebody's having without their significant other or a loved one, a father, a mother, an aunt, an uncle, a cousin, somebody that was very close to you because maybe they've gone on to be with the Lord, or maybe they, whatever the scenario, they're just not in the picture this season. It can be toxic things, who knows, For a number of reasons.

Rhett: 22:26

And so, while we were talking about two days out before Christmas, how do we want to approach this conversation? You know, I was thinking, I was like, why don't we just talk about the reality of grieving and the emotions that can come and and and and all of that's healthy and should be, you know. And so if we're armchair authentic, you know, sticking with authenticity. So a couple of weeks ago, um, I went to a funeral of a loved one. My dad's sister went to be with Jesus. She's amazing. I wasn't super close to her, but I went to the funeral and, you know, I just noticed that I am very comfortable with death. Mm-hmm, you know, and I don't mean this in a morbid way, but, like I have the ability and we talked about this and we can open up about this but I have the ability to walk into situations where there's somebody that has just passed, whether it's a family member or not, and walk in and it's like it has not fazed me. And I know that we grieve, but we don't grieve as those who have no hope. According to scripture, when we grieve, we have hope and that's how we can kind of process things, but I can almost walk into these situations in an unhealthy way, to where I'm not feeling anything, yeah Right, and and I've become self-aware enough to realize this, so I'm going somewhere with this conversation.

Rhett: 23:44

Okay, it goes deeper than just this funeral. And so I'm there, I'm talking, I'm trying to laugh, I'm there, I'm talking, I'm trying to laugh, I'm trying to bring peace, I'm trying to bring joy, I'm trying to just be there for my cousins who lost their mom, and so it was beautiful in that we were together as a family. And so the memorial service was held in Arab, alabama, and then, after it was over, they said hey, the I don't know what they call it the ceremony that happens where they put the casket in the ground. I forget what that's called Graveside, graveside, thank you. I'm a pastor and I've, you know, I should know this right, the grounding, the grounding. So, and it's in Huntsville, which is another basically an hour north of Arap, and I'm like, okay, arabs for those around the country who listen to this, Arab is a very small country town.

Rhett: 24:36

Very small country town, I don't know, maybe 5,000 people. Maybe, If you're spelling it A-R-A-B, you'd be like, oh, that's Arab, but no, Alabamians have a way of going. That's Arab, Arab, A-Rab, Alabama, A-Rab, A-Rab. I'm like, okay, so anyway, I'm going somewhere with this. So I'm like, oh well, I didn't expect to go another hour north. But I asked my dad are you guys going? He's like yes. And so I'm like, where is this going to be? And they're like Valhalla Cemetery.

Rhett: 25:09

Now it dawned on me that's the same cemetery that my mom and she was cremated, so that's where her ashes are. My grandparents, my dad's parents are there and my mom's parents are there, and now my you know aunt, now she's being buried there. And so I'm like, oh, I've got to go, you know. And so if my dad's going, so we end up going. And, um, you know, I'll fast forward a little bit. Also, my cousins who were on my mom's side if this is your first time listening to this podcast, my mom died by suicide when I was seven. Okay and so, but my mom's side of my family, I was always a little bit closer to them. The cousins on that side were like sisters to me. We were like around the same age, A lot of great memories. My mom was always fun and outgoing, we were always up there, and so not that I had a favorite, but if I had a favorite I would always tend to lean toward my Huntsville family. I remember that too, the moment.

Rhett: 26:07

I found out, okay, huntsville, I'm texting my cousins. I'm like, hey, I know, this is completely last minute. We haven't seen each other. We've texted every couple of months or so just to say hello and stay in touch, but I haven't seen them in over really, since 2017 was the last time I've seen them. I said I wasn't planning on coming up, but I'm coming up and if we can make dinner happen or whatever, I'd love to do that, and I didn't know if all that was going to happen because I also needed to get home. But anyway, so I get to the cemetery and we have the graveside for my aunt and all that was beautiful as beautiful as it can be for somebody who is passing and trying to love our family. But after that I had a moment and I found my mom's. You know it's not a graveside, but you know I forget what they call them when you're cremated and your ashes are put.

Justin: 26:59

I'm blanking out, but it's that little memorial space. Yeah, it's like a memorial space.

Rhett: 27:02

It's not under the ground, it's in the wall and her name's there and I took a picture and I put it on online. So if you want to go to social or whatever, you can see the picture there. And it was. You know, I I again, I wasn't feeling anything and I wasn't getting really emotional, but I was just it's like wow, it was a reminder that I had a mom. Yeah, it was a reminder that she was real, because I'm 47 now. This happened when I was seven.

Justin: 27:31

Yeah.

Rhett: 27:32

This is a long time, yeah, and it's like you just go on and you live life and you keep moving forward and you suppress emotions and you have to keep on. What are you going to do? Not live, you gotta, you gotta go on. And so I think this was like the second time in my entire life that I've ever been there. And so I take a picture and I'm smiling because I'm kind of happy, but I'm like Lord, I know she's with you and but it's just a great moment, and so I don't think anything else of it. And my dad comes by, he, I'm showing him, and then we go look at my grandparents, and then I go find my uh, my mom's parents, and then I'm just taking pictures and I'm just kind of reflecting and I'm thankful for the life that I have. I'm thankful that God, you know, made beauty from ashes in my life and I hate that I've lost, you know, my mom and all that and my grandparents. But this is just life, and I'm reflecting, I'm like, wow, life is short. Yeah, life is the mist, it's a vapor, and so, you know, long story short, I was going to go back home but my cousins were like, hey, we can make this work and it's like awesome. So I end up hanging out with my cousins. Now, this is a beautiful thing and I don't mean this in any really weird way, but my cousins are almost. I don't know how God does this in the DNA. And Candace, if you're listening, I mean she looks just like my mom and that's a beautiful thing, you know, because of DNA and everything, and I'm like if my mom were still alive. I'm looking at her through Candace, one of my cousins, and I'm just like this is and we're talking, we're hanging out, we're catching up, we're reminiscing, we're pulling out pictures. Listen, you young folks, if all your pictures live on your phone, you're missing out. There was a moment in time where families get together and they pull out all the pictures Coffee stains and all yes and you're just going through them and she's pulling out all this beautiful stuff about my mom and she's talking about my mom and every time I'm around my family, I'm constantly like, hey, tell me about my mom, because I don't hear it. And some of them were older and they can tell me stories and they were just showing me all these pictures and it was a beautiful, beautiful thing. Okay, so fast forward, I. Eventually.

Rhett: 29:34

I get home about two a or one am, because huntsville's two hours north. I get back home, I go to sleep. I wake up the next morning and I feel like I'm as numb as you can possibly be. Yeah, I, I literally. And I searched this the next day because I was like what is going on? Why do I feel this way? Yesterday was amazing. Everything was beautiful, we were reminiscing and looking at photos and having great memories and conversations, and then the next day I feel like I'm toast emotionally. It wasn't because I didn't get much sleep I was fine, yeah but I really felt like why am I disconnected emotionally? Why am I numb? Why do I feel like depression is starting to set in in my after this? Yeah, it's really weird. So I Googled this and I'm not saying that Google will always give you the answer you're looking for, but I was just like I. With AI and how it can search the internet and pull things from doctors and study, it's amazing. So I Googled this. So, if you're listening today and the holidays are feeling, you know depression is setting in. This is what I, as your friend, googled a week ago. I feel emotionally numb after visiting my mom's grave, who died over 39 years ago. Why so? I Googled that and this is what it said.

Rhett: 30:53

Feeling emotionally numb after visiting your mother's grave, even after such a long time, is a very common experience in grief and is often a sign of a natural protective mechanism your mind uses to cope with the overwhelming pain of loss. Your mind uses to cope with the overwhelming pain of loss. Essentially, it can be a way of temporarily detaching from the intense emotions that might arise at the site of a burial, even after decades have passed. Then it says here are a few reasons why you might be feeling numb Delayed grief Sometimes grief can be suppressed or postponed due to various factors like shock, social expectations or coping mechanisms, and can resurface later in life, especially when visiting a significant place, like a grave Disassociation. This is a mental process where you disconnect from your emotions as a way to protect yourself from intense pain, which can happen even when revisiting a painful memory. Complexity of grief Grief isn't linear.

Rhett: 32:04

It can fluctuate with different triggers and situations, so experiencing numbness even after a long time is not unusual. So what can you do? Acknowledge your feelings. I'm just reading the list here off Google. Don't dismiss the numbness as not feeling anything. Recognize that it is a valid response to grief and a way your mind is coping. Reflect on your experience. Take time to think about what emotions might be underlying the numbness, what memories came up during your visit and, if there are any unresolved issues related to your mom's death, consider grief counseling. This is one like. If the numbness feels overwhelming or significantly impacting your daily life, talking to a therapist specializing in grief can provide valuable support and coping mechanisms.

Rhett: 32:54

Now, all of this to say, the reason I'm opening up to my friends on this podcast and being this kind of authentic and vulnerable, is because here I am, years ish later, you know, or however long I did not expect to to feel what I felt the next day. Yeah, and it hit me like a ton of bricks and what I literally did. I really literally took this advice. I had meetings and other things I needed to do, but I went outside, I sat on my back porch and it was cold, but where it wasn't windy and the sun was out, and so the sun, the vitamin D. I was sitting there and I was just reflecting. It's good, and I just began to be.

Rhett: 33:39

I, literally this is all I've ever known is worship, it's honoring God and I just begin to thank God. Thanking God is worship, it's not singing songs. And I just began to thank him and how grateful I am and how thankful I was for my mom and how I wouldn't be here without her, and for my cousins and all the beautiful moments that I've had and all the things surrounding that. And then I actually allowed myself to grieve into whatever emotions would come up.

Rhett: 34:07

If I cried, I cried. If I laughed, I cried. If I laughed, I laughed. But I would literally growing up. I would always try to push down my emotions in a way to say I'm sorry, it shouldn't be crying, or whatever, and I just let my emotions be what they were. And here I was, as a 47-year-old who lost his mom at seven on my back porch, out in the sun, laying there, reflecting, just thinking, and then just tears would come. And it was just, I don't know man, it was just a. It was I hate to use the word beautiful but it was freeing my soul.

Justin: 34:39

I think that's a good word.

Rhett: 34:40

My soul was being able to express things that have been suppressed and held back, that I didn't even know, and going back to, like what I said earlier, walking into death situations and be like, oh man, you know, we just keep moving forward, got to take care of people and all this. That's how I've lived my life since I was seven, you know. And then, with Pastor Rod and Shelly's death and then other abandonment things that have happened in issues in life who have people have hurt and wounded and abused and manipulated, and you know whether it was a physical death, a spiritual death or relational death, you know, grieving is grieving and and I don't I never really was taught how to deal with my emotions, because I texted my wife and I said, listen, this is how I feel, I and you know, and I'm trying to learn what these emotions are trying to tell me. And she was like, well, that makes sense, because you were never really taught how to, how to grieve or how to move through these situations.

Rhett: 35:35

Yeah, and you know I don't mean any disrespect on that there's a lot of layers of trauma that happened, but I really wasn't even told about my mom's death until a few years later, yeah, and so everybody kind of told me that my mom had died in her sleep, which created my own little issues of other things, and so everybody was kind of having a living a lie of in, in a way to try to protect me.

Rhett: 35:58

And then when I found out later, that was like all the people that are supposed to be the ones that love me and are closest to me, I don't like they're all lying to me and now some of them in their defense, their parents were telling them to do that and they're honoring their parents and I have no victims here, like I'm, I'm free, but like those are things that I had to get through. Like number one, like being told that your mom dies in her sleep, like for me, I was. It traumatized me because now all I'm thinking is not my dad's going to die in his sleep, right, and I would wake up in the middle of the night, horrified. I would go and just watch my dad breathe.

Rhett: 36:31

Yeah, you know, and I'm not trying to be a Debbie Downer in this situation- I'm trying to be authentic, because two days away from Christmas and you've lost somebody, sometimes I'm telling you, man, one of the best things that ever happened to me was giving my heart to Christ and coming into a spiritual family. But I kind of walked into a spiritual family and I don't think they were trying to do this, but I was taught verses on how to suppress those emotions of Scripture. Yeah, how to. I've got to be joyful, I've got to be happy, I've got to peace, peace, peace, love, love, love, joy, joy, joy. And I wasn't ever taught how to learn.

Rhett: 37:04

It was like, oh, those are the emotions I'm supposed to experience and, yes, but it's okay to grieve, it's okay to be sad, it's okay to be upset, it's okay to be depressed, it's okay to be walking through these things. It's not okay to live there, it's okay to not be okay. It's just not okay to stay that way. Jesus loves us and meets us where we are, but he loves us way too much to allow us to stay there. But he wants us, because we're human, to grieve and to process these things.

Rhett: 37:28

And so I guess all that to say, man, like coming into Christmas. I know that is not the best thing to talk about two days in, but I'm hoping that somebody can relate to this and if you are, I just want you to know you're human and here I am. You know, 31 years of serving Jesus, 47 and some pains from my past and this celebratory moment and these joyous moments. And the next day I'm like why do I feel like you know poo? And then I'm, but I'm allowing myself to process it and I'm bringing P, I brought you in on it and literally I was like two days after I was like dude, this is what I'm going through.

Justin: 38:05

And we sat there and we talked it out for a while and we ended up not recording.

Rhett: 38:10

Yeah, we needed to have that talk. We needed to have that talk Because it unlocked stuff. It even unlocked stuff in our friendship and things that you were going through that I didn't know about with your mom, yeah. Yeah, I mean I don't want to go there. I mean that's your story to share.

Justin: 38:24

Oh, no, no, no, I mean but I mean, we could go so much and I know we'd take forever in saying it, but all this to say, you and I, we were taught like you, just got to bury it, bury it, keep moving.

Rhett: 38:37

Keep moving, thinking about it's not going to change anything.

Justin: 38:39

Come on, you just got to keep going, exactly Get over it and you hear the loud people say that, and because they're loud it doesn't mean they're right, but there's an interpretive. I guess you can interpret it that they must be right. So, all right, just bury it. And I think that you know. You in this case, and I could say for me too, there were so many things that just got with what you're saying today, because there's people who are 30, in their 40s and their 50s I mean 60s or 70s and they're still thinking what is wrong with me? How come this doesn't affect me? Or why do I do this whenever this happens? And you have a lot of people walking around thinking what's wrong with me? Because all they can think is I need to just shake it off and I can't shake it off. So what's wrong with me? Because all they can think is I need to just shake it off and I can't shake it off.

Justin: 39:31

So what's wrong with me and the the? The truth is nothing's wrong, nothing. You're human.

Rhett: 39:36

Hey guys, Red here Just wanted to take a moment and ask if you're enjoying this podcast. Could you do us a huge favor Would you take a moment to copy the link from your podcast platform and then text that to a friend, and that would mean so much to us. Thank you, Okay, guys. Now back to the conversation.

Justin: 39:55

You read something earlier and, man, I've subscribed to this and there is an author, a researcher, named Brene Brown. She has mentioned this before and it really, really relates to me. But she talks about, you know, when you're young, it is this defense mechanism, almost like you need to put on that thick skin when you're young. It's a protectant for you because you don't know how to psychologically deal with all this stuff and the best thing for you is to you kind of I use this word you build this. I call it my backyard fortress.

Rhett: 40:28

Yeah, I use this word you build this.

Justin: 40:29

I call it my backyard fortress. Yeah and I use that from that phrase of me and my brother growing up, and you know, with my mom. You know I always want to respect her, but I've alluded a little bit that we grew up feeling like we didn't have moms. Though mom was alive, she was held captive by a lot of strongholds yeah, by a lot of strongholds, and it didn't really fully let her be a mom to, which is why my dad in the eighties which was very rare got custody of me and my brother because she wouldn't have been fit and mentally she didn't, she wouldn't have wanted us to be hers, you know, on a full time basis, come on the weekend and so.

Justin: 41:06

But I remember being at her house and all I was really uncomfortable because I didn't know how to deal with it and in my discomfort, me and my brother, we were big into like the superheroes then, like DC comics, and there was a shed across the street, kind of in our neighbor's yard, and we would call it was this rusty old shed and I called it. We called it the Hall of Justice. You know the same place, superman.

Rhett: 41:31

Oh yeah.

Justin: 41:31

The whole DC crew. That was like their headquarters and we would always look at the Hall of Justice like that's our place and inside, with our imagination. That place had it going on. You walk in the shed, it took you underground to this elaborate place and it's fun and games as you're young. But that really was kind of this safe place, mentally so, in the same way that we use our imagination there.

Justin: 41:56

It was kind of this backyard fortress that I had to protect me from all the stuff that was around me. That was not good, whether it was men coming around or just unhealthy things in the house, exposure to things I shouldn't be seeing. There were just things that, as a kid, I protected myself from because I didn't know to grieve, I didn't know to share with my dad or to share with you, even though we shared a lot of stuff. There was just stuff going on that I would just build it and I think in so many times that people who are listening, we've had our backyard fortress that we've built up around us. But there's a point that you hit in your age and your maturity that it's like the fortress must come down.

Rhett: 42:42

Yeah.

Justin: 42:42

Like it has to come down. It's harder to come down when the same people that you see as leaders now are telling you, like shake it off, you'll get over it. Dust off your stuff.

Rhett: 42:53

When they have their own set of issues they need to be opening up about. Yes, but because they're in leadership.

Justin: 42:59

we don't see them as issues. We see it as the way to go and that's why, if you've lived long enough, you've seen a big toppling over of those people, whether you're in normal work environment, even in our environment, which is church, you've had people who have pent up their grief for so long and they won't acknowledge it because they won't look like they've got their act together. Or, as we said earlier, you can't have a conversation to say, man, I'm grieving because you're around a culture that's like get to the point.

Rhett: 43:29

Yeah, and I think there was a generation before us and you know, I don't have any science or proof to go on this, it's just based off of what I've seen and I've experienced over over time. But at least from the adult generation, you know those who I would consider older adults and leaders. In the eighties and the nineties it was almost looked as if, you know, again, social media wasn't around, we had newspapers and so the access to this type of information wasn't that known, so we only had who was in front of us and what we were hearing in the moment. Yeah, you know, unless you, you know, paid for a tape series from a leader across the country that would ship you a tape or something you know.

Rhett: 44:13

But it was this generation of thinking no man, that's a sign of weakness. You know, um, I might be putting words in people's mouth, but that's the way I felt in my experience, was it was looked at. No, you know, men are supposed to be strong. You know you're, you're not supposed to be weak, and you know oh man, don't cry, you know you don't have a motion.

Rhett: 44:25

Emotions make you weak, and that's not. You know. Get over it, pull yourself up by the bootstraps and keep moving forward type of mentality, and and we're I guess we're beginning to realize that is. That's really unhealthy, you know, and and so, but having that. So let me just say this really quick. You know, I know my dad is listening to the podcast man. I love my dad. He's amazing and he did the best that he knew how to do.

Rhett: 45:12

No-transcript the perspective. Were they even set up for this type of successful conversation? Because I don't know, if I were in his shoes, that I would have been any different on knowing how to help my son or daughter if I had one walk through. I mean, how do you tell your seven-year-old that your mom got unhealthy for a moment and ended her life, right? How do you tell them that? I mean because you want your mom to be, you know, a superhero too, you know, in their eyes, and so how do you do that?

Rhett: 45:44

And so I think everybody made the best decisions they knew how to make in the moment, absolutely, and so think everybody made the best decisions they knew how to make in the moment, absolutely, and so, but here I am, 47, processing this and, I think, going back to that point of this generation and people and manliness and emotions, and you don't show that. And now we're in a generation to where we're learning that this suppression of these things actually, like you said, the wall has to come down at some point and if you don't bring it down, life will bring it down for you. And because you know thus, the people who have fallen, who have made the mistake or whatever that might be, even people who might not have fallen, you know from you know the throne of falsified throne of leadership, yeah, but have have hit rock bottom emotionally and depression, you know setting in and even maybe ending their own lives because they didn't know how to handle it. And they're trying to do it all on their own.

Rhett: 46:30

And and so I guess all that to say like I'm in a place to where I'm learning and I have been processing this for years, even when I started going to therapy a few years ago, and I say therapy, counseling, being able to talk to somebody on a professional level who can help you process that you need to deal with with grieving and stuff, because it impacts every area, and I guess I'm just at a place to where I'm being authentic and vulnerable in a way that I hope is honoring to all parties my family and everybody, as well as my dad and everybody just to say, hey, you know, it's okay to grieve and it's okay to sit and reflect, it's okay to be emotionally numb sometimes, but to understand that your feelings and your emotions are there to help you process, so that you can move forward ultimately. But the goal is that, yeah, we do move forward. We don't live in these moments, but we have to be able to let the toxicity or let the grieving and the humanity process. We're human beings, not human doings, like we have to be and learn how to process that and grieve those moments. And that grieving journey looks different for every single person and I guess all I'm trying to say is, if you are in a moment of grieving and you're not processing, you don't know how to process it. Maybe you're emotionally numb, maybe you've been lost a loved one years ago, like I have, or or just recently.

Rhett: 47:53

Don't rush the grieving process. It is different, but allow the like a wave would come in and a wave would go. Allow the wave to come in. Don't say you're sorry for it, let it be there. What's it trying to tell you? You know, listen to it and in, in, as weird as it might sound, enjoy it and let it be. And then, when the wave goes out, let it go out. And then keep moving forward. And then, when it comes back in, just sit with it. You know, that's right.

Justin: 48:20

Don't make any major decisions you know and process it and to encourage you to this too is some people have hit so rock bottom that they can't really in their mind, there's like mentally become unstable and they can't even function.

Justin: 48:35

one of the worst things you can do is just deal so much that it turns into an endless rumination it's so, you have to have a balance, like god created us to work and and we're human beings, but he also did create us to work and accomplish, yeah, these things. So work is always supposed to have been part of and we're human beings, but he also did create us to work and accomplish these things, so work is always supposed to have been part of what we're doing. So what we're not saying is just go isolate yourself now for a while and just deal. We're saying you need to be open, have the right people that you can be open with, whether it's a therapist, whether it's your friend we encourage the friend as well, but also stay focused on the matter at hand, like your mission, my mission, no matter what I'm going through. If I ever have to grieve through something, my mission in the most simple form I'm still going to take care of my wife and my boys. I have a responsibility. So I'm not going to crawl and drag so much that I'm also not going to go get a shower and get to work and accomplish my task. And if you're working at Taco Bell, get up and go make yourself a gordita that you're going to feed somebody today, because there is something about doing with your hands. It's this grieving and healing process.

Justin: 49:47

That can happen when you get on this, like you and I talked last Wednesday and it turned into you talking, but it turned into us both talking very once again deposit some withdrawals. I left there so encouraged but I also left there getting back on my mission. I had a fruitful day at work. I got on so much stuff. I didn't now go wallow in man. People really let me down, because that's the beauty of grace, people are always going to let us down and I think you said it so well Our parents, the people who came before us, our leaders they didn't know. And you know what's next. There's going to be the other end of the spectrum. You're going to have a bunch of people just crawling around saying let's don't do anything, and then we're going to have to now get an episode saying well, you got it.

Rhett: 50:38

It's so true. I'm glad you mentioned that because, first of all, this is not the podcast that's designed to. To bring up a, you know, a very real life challenge issue humanity and then to give you the oh well, here's your fix, here's your three cookies, and call me in the morning. You're going to be so much better of like. But there are principles that do need to be applied. Yeah, absolutely. That's why I love even, even.

Justin: 51:02

Google. By the way, cookies do help. Yeah, they do. They absolutely do.

Rhett: 51:07

So, but the idea here of even me bringing this up is that I'm learning how to process this in a way where I'm not holding it back anymore, but I'm hopefully doing it in a mature way. I'm acknowledging the fact that I'm feeling it some way Like I'm not going to deny the fact that, oh, I'm not depressed, I'm highly, I'm blessed and highly favored. I'm the head and the not to tell. I'm blessed going in and blessed going out. Greater is he who is in me.

Rhett: 51:28

You know, like I got all the verses and I do believe every single one of those. But right now I'm feeling humanity and I think that's important to acknowledge your feelings, it's essential, yeah, yeah. And as I acknowledge it, I'm reflecting on the emotions that are there and I'm just going. What are they telling me? It's okay to be sad you should have been able to grieve your mom, and you're doing that right now in some ways that you haven't done this in a long time, and that's okay, let it out. But then it's like be kind to yourself. Just don't beat yourself up with scripture or with well, you should be thinking better. You should keep moving forward. No, no, just be compassionate, the same compassion you would show somebody else in this situation. If you're loving grace, show that to yourself and that's okay.

Rhett: 52:14

But then the whole like, get in relationship. You know, grief, counseling. Basically what it's saying is like you can't do this alone. You need people in your life, yeah, and you need trusted friends. So don't isolate Absolutely. So, you know, not trying to fix all those emotions and things that I'm dealing with right now in one episode, nor are we trying to do that with you. But, yes, the idea is allow the wave to come, experience it, reflect on it, involve others in on it. But as it goes out like you've got to keep moving, you don't want to sit around and forever. No, because there is joy in doing life with others and seeing that, although a life is missed, there's still a lot. If they were here, they would want to tell you hey, listen, man, continue to live your life.

Rhett: 53:00

And continue to pursue relationships and passions and interests and the things that God has designed you in, and enjoy it and make the most of it, because there's life to be lived while we're here and God has graced us with breath. And why not make the most of it? Because there's healing that happens when we put our hands to work with people and you know whether we're passionate about it or not. There's healing that happens there too. So it's a process. There's so many variables and plethora We'll throw the three of me.

Justin: 53:33

So, yeah, but there is something to be said for. I love how you said that Don't isolate, but introspection is wonderful. So when you are by yourself, you need your alone time. You got to have time by yourself, but isolation almost gives the indicator of you're trying to hide away. Introspection is you're going to go get focused and you're going to take from that moment when you are with somebody.

Justin: 54:00

So one of my encouragements to you guys and I do it many, many days I try to fill up a journal every year, and it's become a habit for me since 2018. And I will fill up an entire year's worth with just thoughts, and so you need to have a place. So I would encourage you, as we're especially about the end of the year, when you're hearing this set a task this week go find a journal that you can start on January 1st. What would it be like if you just wrote a little paragraph?

Justin: 54:32

Introspection is so important and what you'll find is you may start with and I am putting this on those who might not be a believer hey, I encourage you to take a step with Jesus. Start diving into some of the scripture, which we believe is our foundation, that talks all about him and the church that he established 2,000 plus years ago. But be able to dive into that, do anything, read some books that evoke some kind of emotion, whatever it is, and even write about it, whether it's a joyous thought or a sad thought. But what will happen is when you get back in that depressive state which you probably will as you begin to deal with it and you go through a pruning, write about it and get that introspection and then you have it recorded. And so next time you are with your friend or your therapist whoever it is that you need to get that out so that you don't become isolated number one, writing those pages huge. It already does. You're getting it out already.

Rhett: 55:33

You're getting it out, yeah.

Justin: 55:34

You're expressing something on a piece of paper and you might even see that it's met with some tears hitting the same paper. That will happen. But you're going to also notice you have something that when you begin to verbalize to somebody, you've already worked some of it out and untangled it and it's going to come out more clear, which allows the other person to serve you better.

Rhett: 55:54

Yeah, writing it out is so powerful and that's one of the things I haven't done so well.

Rhett: 55:59

Over the years I did it really well till I finally finished one of my journals and thank you for mentioning that, cause I literally was like I got to go buy another one because I'm all out of paper and pages. But there is something powerful, because some people are like, well, you're just writing on paper. Well, you're really not. That is a healthy way to get things out. It's a part of the process and it's just, instead of suppressing it, you're releasing it and it's coming through your writing. But it's so interesting you don't know unless you do it. But when you do it and then you read back, you're like, wow, that's a part of healing in my life. It goes without saying. But I have to say it, knowing the audience that is listening, while processing and reflecting, I need people to understand that it's not something I would just do in and of myself, in and of my own strength. You know I'm a firm believer, because of my faith in Christ Jesus and the relationship I have with God, because of all that Christ has done, that His Spirit now lives within me, and because His Spirit lives within me. I have access to all that God offers through His Word, and what that tells me is that I have access to his presence, and God is close to the brokenhearted. God is close to those who are grieving. You know, draw near to God and he will draw near to you. There's so many beautiful things, and so, as I'm, as I am reflecting and as I am emotionally numb, I'm processing, not alone, but I'm processing in his presence. Yeah, cause if you remember me saying I was actually turning it into worship, yeah, and that wasn't.

Rhett: 57:32

That's not some mechanism of trying to, you know, to live in some la-la land. No, that's really living out the scriptures and experiencing the promise of peace in the storm, the peace in the chaos, the peace in the emotional numbness, the storm, the peace in the chaos, the peace in the emotional numbness. And so it's literally like taking my eyes off myself and putting it on somebody who's so much bigger and so much greater and who's with me and not allowing me to do this alone. And so, while it's not physically present, it's spiritually present and it's so powerful. So, while I am, yes, processing and reflecting and allowing that grief, as a wave, to come in and to go out, and I'm moving it forward.

Rhett: 58:12

I'm also allowing God to move in my heart and just to you know, whisper, god moves in whispers. You know he speaks in whispers. And God was speaking to me and he's like hey, I'm here, man. Like the voice that I was hearing, not audibly but just in my spirit, was I got you. You're my child. I'm so sorry you've had to walk this. This was never my intent.

Rhett: 58:34

It hurts, it's hard. Jesus has experienced the same loss. And even as a father, I experienced it, seeing my son die in the loss that was there. We don't have somebody who can't relate with our issues and our emotions. We have somebody who totally can and who's experienced all of it and yet not sin and live, you know what, and still remain holy in all the emotional trauma that even Jesus Christ experienced.

Justin: 59:02

Yeah, which is what we're celebrating in this season, it is this week. It's the most appropriate conversation because the joy is going to take care of itself. It's already out there, but if you can focus on this whole deal that we got to experience, christ, silent night, holy night, all is calm, all is bright.

Rhett: 59:24

What did Christ do? Christ came to bring light into the darkness, and I think that's the beauty. I don't think I would ever be sitting where I am today, in this healthy spot, had it not been for the light of Christ shining in and through the darkest areas of my life and allowing him to do that. No chance, and I'm so grateful for it. And so, yes, here's what I've been processing and the road that I'm going through, and I believe many of our listeners may be doing this as well, but we have hope. We don't grieve as those who don't have hope. That's right. We have that hope.

Rhett: 59:54

He's the light of the world. His name is Jesus and he's real. This is a real thing, man, and he has the ability to bring peace that passes all our understanding, to guard our heart and mind in Him and through Him, while we are experiencing humanity on this side of heaven, and that's the beauty that we have. And I think, more than anything, it's a wonderful place that you and I get to do what we get to do and get to share these stories and our walk and our journey and our processing, hopefully in a way that offers hope to this, and, whoever you are, wherever you are, we're so grateful, we love you and we're praying for you and we're believing that if this Christmas is dark emotionally, that you can begin to experience the light of Christ in you. When you talk to God and you talk to Him through His Son Jesus. I'm telling you, man, it changes everything. It doesn't change your circumstances outwardly, but it changes your circumstances inwardly, being able to walk in and through every situation with heavenly peace.

Justin: 1:00:55

Have a Merry Christmas guys. Merry Christmas you.